I changed through the pages


Where i come from is a dark hollow room filled with so much negativity… Low self esteem… Criticism but even though i was in that world where things dint look pretty . Or promising that they will get better or i i will get better and the life i am living now looked like a fairy tale.. I always knew i deserved better and God wanted me to live an abundant life. 

Before i really get to this post… I would like to say sorry i took long to come back… I took a wrong turn… I was lost a bit and trying to find my way back and know i am back… I will be here to motivate.. Inspire.. Connect.. Change paradigms and i hope people  join me in this transformation mission i am starting today this hour. 

Well going back..when i started this post i was a mere soldier working everyday hating my life, everything around  me.. People  around and my body because  how i felt inside.. I was not happy.. I am sure people  can relate… I mean worry was my everyday meal… And trust me it never left me empty.. I looked so skinny and felt bad every min of my day… At work things were horrible… I mean everyone who wanted to say something horrible they looked at me and said it… Lol i mean i was “bad words gabbage”  and felt like that too… At home… My sister and i would fight everyday.. I was stuck… Everywhere… I felt no motion… But you know that “badass”  voice in everyone that tells you… Enough is enough… But you dont listen.. 

2015 January i decided to listen to the God in me… My inner voice  and i have told my self i am going to work on my mind because wise people experienced people like Rev ike… Less Brown… Einstine… A lot more… Abrahim hicks… Talk about the power of the mind… And listening to these folks made me want to quit complaining… Running away from my self within my self and start facing the music… And accept that i had tha bad life because of how i thought… How i viewed things.. My perspective was cloude… Says TD Jakes so i got tired of looking for happiness outside my self… I stopped feeling like i needed someone to be there so i can feel good.. I needed to buy something to feel good or blaming the everyone around me… Blaming taxes… Because i couldn’t live the life i wanted… Blaming my mom for bringing me in this world..i mean already from just that piece you can see the person i was… The life i was living…..

Until i decided to invest in my mind… Until i looked at my self in the mirror… Until i took responsibility for my life.. My actions… Until i believed in myself..until i had faith in my self… That i can make it… 

Things i started to do 

  1. .Reading my bibble and understanding it in a way that it resonates with my situation… It became my motivational book. 
  2.  In the Bible i learned that i needed to forgive… And let go.  Ones i did that… My  pains that i used to get because i was constantly thinking about who did me wrong and why i am still hurting caused me to develop chest pains.  I forgave myself and accepted my self and forgave everyone.  I realised that i took my power back and those who hurt me never have access to my emotions anymore. And i raised the rent for boolies… Haters… And kicked them out because they just dint afford to pay no more. 
  3. I started to be grateful… I counted my blessings… Download  apps that helped me remember to be grateful for what i have… And that changed me inside and made me a humble person… Changed my perspective over things.. Mind you it dint change things overnight but with time i got better and better… I even looked better and complements like ” you look good.. You are glowing”  started to follow me. That made me feel so good inside  and good things started ti happen… Like at work people respected me or were communicating with me with respect and love.  I no longer arguies with anyone… 
  4.  I moved out from home and got a place where i work in the military and having a place where i can be alone and work on my self felt good… 
  5.  I joined a gym… I baught USN products to help me to kick start  because i knew i needed energy for my new fitness journey… Exercising changed my body every day to look the way i wished… My confidence started to grow… I slept better… I ate better… My skin looked good… Physically i loved what i saw and stil do… 
  6. I joined yoga classes to help me centre my emotions… My thoughts.  To be able to live in the presence helped me a lot and things no longer got to me… I felt in tune with myself
  7. Meditating on daily  basis… Helped with a lot of emotional daily load.. Just calming my nervous system down and helping me sleep peacefully. 
  8. . Every morning… During lunch time and before bed… I listen to motivational videos… The likes of Tonny Robbins,  TDJakes, Less Brown and so forth… I listen to hypnosis audios and mind programming videos… Subliminal messages… These things worked on my mind and stil do… I look and feel confident because of the transformation they braught in my life… I have a positive Self-image  because of them.. I am in vibrational alignment.. I am in sync with everything around me… My finances  change from month to month and i live as though i have money everyday even when i do not have money i still feel like i do.  It is mind blowing how working on my mind changed everything for me
  9. I started visualising the way i want my life to be and still do… Every chance i get i visualise.  Most things i saw and see them come to pass and everyday i got better and better.. I see a lot happing in this journey of visualising
  10. affirmations…God spoke things into existence  and i amacting like my father… I am speaking my life into being… My best affirmation  is ” only good comes before me”  i love it because it helps me not to be specific but expect good things to come my way and they do.. And when they do.. I appreciate them. 

So those are my top ten things i do everyday of my life and today i can proudly say…. I lead a pretty good life… I am happy.. I look good.. I feel good… And people that come to my life have good intentions  bring more good than bad… I grow every day… 

This is my ” i am back post.”  i hope it inspire you to change your life… Believe all you need is a decision.  You will not regret it.  I am to show you it is possible… Your life can change 


Thank you to everyone reading this post


And stay tuned to my next post. 

#ambrosia

This is me coaching bootcamp ladies… Today this surtaday September 2017

This here i entered the #usnfaceoffitness2017 #fitnessmagazine #usn  and it shows that ones one decides to renew her mind alot chnages.  Entering this competition it means i am completely in tune with myself and have so much faith and believe in me. And i want this feeling for every woman and man out there.. So that they can do what they always wanted to do.. Or wished they could do. 

This one i just love the glow the life am leading gives me… I feelbeautiful and in control of my life… Join me and lets share stories of victory and hope

I do not have more of befor pictures but on my Facebook hang up and instagram  you can check out my before pictures  since i lost them… And see where i started be in spired

https://www.facebook.com/phumzile.chauke.315

#selflove #selfadmiration #loveontop #transformation#lawofattraction#affirmations#progress#lifestyle 

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What self- love can do for you


image

Sometimes when i look at myself in the mirror i get filled with laughter. Then i would give myself a tap on my shoulder just because of the thought of realising how far i have become. To know i am counted one of the strongest person ever.  And understand that if you allow god to play his role and show you what he can do for you, that turns to be the best decisions you could ever come up with. God does things in his own way, i was impatient and wanted everything to happen just with the snap of a finger. But god does not work like that, sometimes he will take you around the block just to get next door lol. So yah…trust me he did take me around the block and when he told me to drive slowly…i revved up the gears. So because of that attitude, i found myself without confidence, hating what i saw in the mirror and felt like i was not worthy of any good. When bad things happened to me i felt like god hated me and did not want to see me happy. I hated being alone, i did not enjoy my own compony yet at the same time i did not want anyone next to me ‘ cause i was scared that i would love them then end up back to square one…the funny thing about that was…i was not even close to step one. I was scared of the pain and being close…allowing myself to be happy. i used to be so depressed it was not funny anymore. But a day came when qi told myself enough is enough…it is time i showed me that i am more than what i think of myself. I started to pray to god and have faith that he hears my prayers. I started to exercise,did yoga, wrote down my thoughts, i started to dance because it made me happy and it made me feel incharge.i enjoyed to be with me.i changed my attitude towards life.i learned ways to make me happy and accept me with my flaws. Then what happend i got promoted at work. I would sometimes find money in my account and i did not know where in came from. My siblings and i started to be together and talk. And we never got along. I forgave my dead, my uncle…people who did me wrong because i knew i was better them and stronger than before. i appriciate every moment i get to laugh, smile. Then people started talking to me, telling me how beautiful i am just because i learned to love me. My point is treat yourself the way you want people to treat you. Having a bf,husband,and all the materialistic stuff will not fullfill that void. It will only get worse when they do not live up to your expectations. But if you love yourself…you do not care about dogma…you dont care about changing anyone because when they make you laugh…it is just cherry on top lol.

Friends with benefits


Being in your twenties can be a handful sometimes…”traffic life”. I never thaught i wud find myself in such a dysfunctional relationship. But as bad as it sounds it had benefits that i enjoyed for a while and suprisingly even after it ended. What was odd about it was…both of us never agreed we having one. It all just started and ended when one fell in love. We never set rules that we were suppose to follow and now i think maybe it would be better. Anyway my even though it was a sick idea but i have to admit i enjoyed it. I never thought i was this hurt and scared in my life. Being in a fwb has its good and bad like every situation. The good about it is… you don’t fight with anyone. If they made you mad you just keep it inside lol. The are no expectations. In fact in short all the drama you get in the relationship. And another thing i’ts a secret lol…crazy neh. You don’t tell your friends ‘cos the will be all judgy and don’t take  time to understand that sometimes relationships canbe a handfull. And something as crazy as this is what you need. The other good is when it ends you dont have to explain to anyone or talk about it. Its like its all burried and gone. It was not real and your feelings do not matter. Actualy thay is the bad part where your feelings do not matter. The bad about it is… you not allowed to say how you feel, go out like normal couples, in short all the fun you can get in a relationship. Anyway this is my wish…i wish it was that simple but it was not because we acted like people in a relationship..we did them all. At the end it felt to much because i fell in love. Instead of that being the best news it was like a police red light doing what it does best. Right there i knew it had to end because the reason i allowed myself to do this was one thing i was trying to avoid. But no matter how you think you have it under control love always wins. This whole thing made me realise that being in fwb will not help me with my fear of relationships but make it all worse. But i would not advice anyone to do it. One thing i know is i do not regret it because it taught me something in life. And had me asking a lot about love. One of the questions i asked myself was…if a guy can be that close with you and not fall in love but a guy who is not close with you…tells you that he loves you…how is that possible. Who is lying and who is telling the truth. I mean love doenst happen in one day but you meet guys who tell you they love you…when did dat happen. You get guys who lie and tell you all the things you need to hear and you sure he loves you….then bam! Its over and you go through all the explaining…the pain. So those questions had me wonder. What if my fwb told me he loved me on the go and then he broke up with me just to get into my pants… i was going to be torn apart. But now it was fwb and we did not lie to each other and it doesnt hurt in a way that i have to ask myself why did he lie to me. And all the what ifs…its all done and no more talking about it. The other reason i ended it other than falling in love is the fwb never ends until you ended. It will be a circle…every time you see each other…it starts again. And the guy did not want me to ended to build dat wall he will not be able to break. Because he enjoyed not being committed to a relationship. Who would blame him. But we all have to grow up and deal with relationships weather we like it or not. And its all not that bed…it can feel too much sometime. One other thing i learned is…i got to appreciate being single and learning more about myself. Not rushing into anything. To those who had this experience in life…please share..

Troubled mind


Sometimes i wander…if life was the way want it to be…would i be happy. Everything  goes my way…but then again i think i wouldn’t because i am  human. And most of the time…i struggle to exactly what i want. And if life went my way…i would be bored because it wouldn’t be challenging as it is. Sometimes i feel…i am wasting my time being here in the army and being in a male dominated corp.   I have less days when i feel like i am  top of things am happy but most of the time i just want to quit and focus on my career outside.and dont date because it is so demanding sometimes and it hurts when i am indirectly obligated to spread my wings and fly. But then again i am human i want to dat but i don’t want to.l.i want to be here in the army but then i don’t want to because it can be dangerous and lonely. But hypotheticaly speaking if i had it my way…i would quit without feeling guilty of how many people i am going to let down. And how many people are going to be affected by my action. If i had it my way…i would study full time something that i love a lot which is fashion designing and dance because it brings me peace.if i had it my way i would date a guy for the time i want and leave without anyone getting hurt or sad and guilty. If i had it my way i would just make my family to get along even for a min…it hurts to be in a broken family. If i had it my way i would take away the fear of getting married and having children and stuf. And if i had it my way i would stop being scared of being loved and opening my heart. If i had it my way i would be with the man i like than the guy my parents want me to be with. If i had it my way…i would go to simple things as pijama parties with friends but i don’t have because i am here in a world where every one is so serious about duties and stuf. But maybe the is something i can do with what is bothering me or maybe the isn’t.but either   way i pray  someday i do…hope not too late too

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Don’t believe it when they try to say it’s over!


When they tell you,you never get over…tell them you are number one…you are a champion. Because  they watching you and waiting on you to fail. So now you know what to tell them …tell them you number one…you are a champion. You see that dream you trying to persue…you will do it. Just don’t believe it when they try to tell you it’s over…tell them you number one. Because nothing they can do to stop you. Keep climbing that ladder…you did not fall and you not starting now. You see that struggle you in now,that pain you feeling right now,that emptyness you feeling…whatever you going through. It will get better,go hard no matter what they will be saying. You got to stay focused,go got to step and don’t give up. Live to the fullest for the dream you persuing. So i see it in your eyes,they watching you, they just telling you lies, they want you to fail…they can never stop you..so mover…so do believe it. I am talking about that voice that is trying to discourage you, your family,friends,calleagues,boss,who ever. Because you survived the worste…you made it!

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Me and death we almost became roomates


Ohk where do i start. Yeah i know…from the begining. 2013 / 03/ 15 i was in pain and i head no idea what was wrong with me. I went to the docter and then he did some check ups. When it was my turn to hear my results he told me, i had cancer. Lung cancer. I thought she was joking so i laughed but too bad it was not funny enough so she can join too. So it ended up being all awkward, i asked…you really are serious? She said yes and started telling me  about the to-do -list. And i told her…the is no way i am diying because i am not done here on earth.she answered and said” i know you are scared but you need to take this seriously” and then i looked at her and i stood up then i left. I could not believe my eyes but i could not stop saying to myself i am not sick and i am not going anywhere untill i a have served my purpose here.  Mind you…i had no idea what purpose i am talking about.Since that day i never spoke about it or tell anybody. No that death was waiting for me on the other side to be besties with her…and trust me i was not flattered. And now that i always leave god behind the door when i go to work and live my life. This time i decided to have a one on one session with god. Oh boy…i couldn’t imagine how angry and used he must feel. But it was worth a short and i also knew i did not deserve him to listen…but his god he listen. After that session…we became best friends…i took him everywhere. I lived my life like it was my last day on earth and yep i did the to-do -list the doctor gave me. Simple things…i laughed,i helped people,i made sure my family new how much i love them,i cherished little moments when i got the chance to laugh and i never felt sorry for myself. At the begining i was scared but all chabged…i was ready. I woke up one morning after 5 months of recieving the news. I went to the docter but it was strange that i went to her because last time i checked i sworn that i will never see her again. But i found myself knocking in her office. Supprised…yes she was. She stood up…”i tried to call you,i looked for you after you left but i couldnt find you…every day i prayed that i see you”. Why i asked…to tell me more bad news…but relax i am here to hear when is my due date. She laughed ” i can see you strong and look better than when you came here”. I couldnt understand why she is so happy to see me. Then she told me” i took the wrong results, you don’t have cancer, it was just a slight pain you have and your bowls were too stiff” i sat there i looked at her…confused whether should i stand up and scream i am ok or what. After a while i stood up and i left. When i walking out of the door i looked at all the people who were sick and i looked up to the sky…i laughed so hard people thought i was crazy. I realised then that god was tired of being left behind my door. He wanted to be with me 24/7. I kmow it does not happen to evry one to hear that you got cancer and then later on the docter tells you they made a mistake…but it happend to me. So every day i thank god for giving me a chance and showing me the light. Lol for not giving up on me…for leaving him. But like me…he loves you too and never doubt that. I realised he wanted me to stop wining about what i don’t have and start  appreciating my life…what i have. And give him the love he was giving me. And stop taking him for granted. Peace be unto you all.

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When it hurt…


I will sing you a lulaby for you my baby sister. You will fall asleep and look so peaceful like an angel. I will sing you a lulaby so you don’t not notice  that momy did not come back home. I will sing you a lulaby so that when you wake up,you still love her like yesterday. That you don’t remember she chose not be here but with another man. I will sing you a lulaby so you can feel the love she  doesn’t show to you but give it to people who hurt her at the end.i will sing you a lulaby so you forget that daddy and momy are to buzy to look at your crazy funny drawings. I will sing you a lulaby that you forget the picture of seeing daddy hitting momy. That you don’t remember how he pushed her against the wall and crushed dinner she prepared for him. I will sing it to you that you don’t ask why daddy is so angry all the time because neither do i know little sis. But i will you a lulaby so your world is filled with hope and you never miss a chance  to be happy like you should be. Because the fact that daddy is an angry abusive man…it’s not about you. The fact momy is changing boy friends and push you away when they made her a one night stand…it’s not about you. The fact that daddy and momy are always arguing and resenting you…it is still not about you. The fact that they getting a devorce…baby girl…it is still not about you. The fact that momy left daddy to raise you alone,because her career comes first…it’s not about you. The fact that uncle peers made you his woman so you can satisfy his develish ways…it is not  about you…but don’t forget his a sick minded old man  who deserves more than jail time. So now that you kmow is not about you…just don’t let it kill that sweet little girl in you…keep hoping and looking forward to the future you see in your eyes. So they are angry…let them be. They hurt each other because talking like grown ups is so difficult…then let the be. Oh they getting a devorce…let the be.they chose to forget why they got married in the first place and just because is what they cannot see with their eyes…that is why they don’t remember the vows they made to each other. All i am saying is…what they do to you,on  your account…it doesn’t define your path.

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Give me another chance to make it right


Why should i and why do you think you deserve another chance. And why am i judged because i am not giving you another chance, especially by people who don’t know what you did to me. This is probably what you said or saying or felt like telling that someone who hurt you in life and came back for a second chance. He left me when i was young and inocent. He left when i needed him so much. He left me with my mother in danger of facing life alone. He left and he did not once think about me.he left us with broken hearts. He chose a 22 year old girl and the good life. We were not good enough or somehing he wanted to change in his life but the only way…was throw us away. He brought my mother shame and he let me grow up without a father. He left and he never called even once. I will hear neighbours gossiping that they saw him buying clothes for the child he had with the 22 year old. My mother never felt so humiliated in her life like that. He did not pick up the pieces of her broken heart…i did. But now that i am docter and i take care of my mother and i am a child he claim to be proud of. He wants a second chance. Now that he is old and he is sick…i must help him. And now that he does not have the power to run around with little girls…i must let him in…give him a chance. And he has no one now…he comes back.just because she doesnt want him anymore. I …we must let him in. If i choose not too…people call me names and say i am a bad person. Why…its ok when he was not there but its wrong when he comes back and open old wounds. And i must help him. Its not fair…its just not fair…so like he made  me pay for ia crime i did not commit. I am going to let him pay his dues too.  You get one chance…one chance to be a father. Just because you contibuted for me to be in this world doesnt make you a father. It takes a boy to make a baby but a man to be a father. He made his chose….its time to enjoy the fruits it gives…no matter how bitter they are.

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